Confessions of a Doubting Christian
Confessions of a Doubting Christian
I’ve been pretty open about having had my share of doubts regarding God and church and Christianity over the years. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I went through a serious time of questioning and wrestling with God about what I believed and why I believed it.
It wasn’t just one thing that made me question; it was half a dozen things…
It was the ways I’ve seen so many other Christians weaponize their faith to turn “us” against “them” (with “them” being anyone who doesn’t believe as we do).
It was certain Bible passages that I came across and didn’t know what to do with, because when taken at face value, they seemed to contradict what I’ve come to believe is true about God’s character and His heart toward humanity.
It was specific biblical commands that seem out of sync with Jesus’ teaching that all of God’s commands boil down to this: Love God, and love all people (Matthew 22:37-40).
It was the realization, through study of Church history, that there have been fallible human beings in positions of authority throughout Church history who have periodically influenced our understanding of Scripture for their own ungodly purposes.
It was all the theological questions I still don’t know the answer to—not because I haven’t looked for answers or been given answers by someone at some point, but because I’ve found all the answers I’ve been given thus far to be unsatisfactory.
This time around, it felt like it was everything, all at once.
Those of you who came to faith in Jesus on your own as adults may not understand what this is like, but for me, I was raised to believe in Jesus. And while I do believe it is good to raise your children in the truth, I wondered if my Hindu neighbors (who have raised their son to worship Brahma) are just as “certain” they’ve done the same thing. I wondered, had I been raised in their home, if I’d be a Hindu right now, wrestling with my god about what I believed and why I believed it, too. I wondered if I’d still be convinced that Christianity is the truth. (I still am, by the way, in case you were concerned.)
For some Christians, knowing how much I question things within my faith—and knowing that I’m still here, still trusting in Jesus today—is refreshing and encouraging. For others, it makes you nervous and uncomfortable, as if at any moment, I might join the ranks of those who’ve renounced the faith.
Truth be told, in my greatest moments of questioning and doubting, even I get nervous. Even I begin to wonder if maybe, this time, God will let me go. I start to worry that, if the current gets strong enough, God might let the tides of my faithlessness carry me away.
I’m a lot like Peter, I think. (I know we’ve dubbed Thomas “the doubter” because of an isolated incident in John 20, but Thomas wasn’t the only disciple who ever doubted Jesus. Honestly, they probably all doubted Jesus, at one point or another.)
I personally relate more to Peter’s story than Thomas’s—how it’s drawn out over time, over seasons, in the course of walking with Jesus...
Peter was the one who, in faith, stepped out on the water to meet Jesus in the middle of the Sea of Galilee. And Peter was also the one who, when the wind and waves picked up, causing him to sink, experienced great fear and doubt (Matthew 14:22-31).
Still, Peter was the one who, after Jesus’ taught a hard truth and a large number of His disciples abandoned Him, was asked “Do you want to leave Me as well?” And Peter answered Jesus, “Where else could we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:60-68).
Likewise, Peter was the one who, when asked who he thought Jesus was, declared with no hesitation, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God!” (Matthew 16:13-15).
Yet, Peter was also the one who later, when the going got tough, denied having ever known Jesus and abandoned Him at His trial and crucifixion (Luke 22:54-62).
This same Peter was the one who, after Jesus’ resurrection and ascension, boldly preached the gospel of Jesus Christ at Pentecost in the power of the Spirit, which led to the birth of the Church (Acts 2).
Though just before that happened, it seems Peter may have doubted Jesus (or Jesus’ methods, or His timing) once again. Because Jesus told His disciples to wait in Jerusalem for the Spirit, who would empower them and lead them to continue His earthly ministry (Luke 24:44-49). But while they were still waiting, Peter got restless and started doing rather than simply waiting. And because Peter was not yet filled with Spirit, there’s no indication that what he did was of God (Acts 1:12-26).
See, Peter didn’t just wrestle with questions and doubts on the worst night of his life, then settle all of those questions and doubts once and for all, making his faith unshakable. There was a notable pattern of faith and doubt, of certainty and questioning, throughout Peter’s walk with Jesus. We don’t have record of it, but I bet this pattern continued for the rest of his life. Not because he didn’t have enough faith, but because life in this fallen world is hard and loud and confusing, and Peter was just a fallible human—just like me—just like you.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that real Christians can have doubts, and that that doesn’t make us any less Christian.
Doubts are okay. Questions should be encouraged. Just don’t let your doubts and questions keep you from crying out to God; rather, let them drive you to Him. (Just as Peter, while sinking in the sea, reached out his hand and cried out for Jesus to save him.)
So ask God your questions…
Express your doubts to Him…
Be honest about your fears—even if one of those fears is that He might just let you go this time. Of this I am becoming more and more convinced, the longer I walk with Jesus: If you are His, He will never let you go (Romans 8:38-39). And if your heart, in your crying out to Him, in all of your doubting and questioning, is to know the truth and to walk in it—to live life with God, not apart from Him—you have nothing to fear!
I wrote this several years ago, and it holds true:
Christians sometimes act like they’re afraid to pull at the curiosity and uncertainty threads of their faith, like they think by tugging on those threads and seeing where it leads them, their entire faith will unravel.
If that’s even truly possible, then your faith was never in the person of Jesus Christ to begin with, because He is a sure foundation; and even if you were to strip everything back to that foundation, you’d be left with Him, and that would be enough both to firmly stand on and to rebuild upon.
So be curious! Tug at that thread! Ask that hard question! Reconsider some of the ideas and beliefs that you’ve been holding so tightly as true, unclenching your fist in which they are held, and instead holding them with an open hand lifted up to the Word of God.
It’s very possible some of those beliefs are true; but it’s just as possible (and very likely) you’ve adopted some beliefs along the way (from others, or even your own ideas or assumptions) that don’t actually hold the weight of the Word of God when tested. So as you recognize those untruths, do some discarding and replacing. Weave a new pattern of beliefs, incorporating new threads, formed from what the Bible says is true. (The Biblical Word for this is ‘repentance,’ and it’s something that all of us, as followers of Jesus, are called to do both in our initial act of coming to Jesus, and then repeatedly along the journey of following Him. At a base-level, it’s changing the way we think about things to align our thoughts with His.)
If you find at the end of your tugging, you’re left with nothing, then what you’re really left with is a choice: (A) walk away from a faith that was never truly yours, or (B) cry out to a very real God. Beg Him to make Himself known to you, dig into His Word, and seek Him with all your heart. If you seek Him, you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:13; Acts 17:26-27). He’s promised us this, and my life is a witness that He keeps this promise.
So, don’t be so scared of what you’ll find. In the end, tugging on that thread you’re so afraid to pull on might be the very move that leads to the salvation of your soul.
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